


A story made of first times

by rokeat



Category: Take That
Genre: Canon Era, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-17
Updated: 2013-09-17
Packaged: 2017-12-26 21:32:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokeat/pseuds/rokeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canon. A little run-through of Jason and Howard's relationship from the moment they met until "The Circus" tour. It was never supposed to happen, wasn't it? (one-shot)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A story made of first times

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very un-like me story: one shot, little dialog, with characters deeply flawed and little fluff. Let's say it's more of an experiment than anything else. I hope you like it, 'cause it was a real challenge for me. Enjoy!

The first time Howard had seen Jason had been from a distance at that place called the Apollo where he used to go dancing on Sundays. Of course by then he had no idea who that boy was, or what was his name, but to say he had been completely enchanted by him was to say too little. Howard hadn’t realise how mesmerized he was, his eyes wide open and his mouth slightly ajar in amazement, until some friend had nudged him in the ribs to get him out of his stupor. But even then, he couldn’t stop looking at that boy, dancing on the dance floor with his band like there was no tomorrow.

He looked young, very young. Probably even younger than him. But Howard could tell he was no new to dancing, nor to eliciting gazes and admiration all around with his talent and his gorgeous looks. To Howard, he was a magnet, and he couldn’t believe how there were some people not even looking at him –what was wrong with them? He surely couldn’t stop staring at him.

Howard tried to convince himself right then he was only admiring his talent; after all, he was a break-dancer himself, how could he not appreciate such a natural talent when he saw it? He didn’t want to admit his fascination clearly went beyond the boy’s dancing skills. But the fact that he couldn’t stop thinking about that dark-haired young man with an easy smile for a lot of days to come only made it more difficult for him to pretend.

**********  
The first time Jason saw Howard had been at the audition Nigel Martin-Smith had organized to form a British band to rival the very popular New Kids on The Block in America. Jason and another four guys had been auditioning for that creepy man, dancing and singing, until another boy made a triumphal entrance.

He was obviously late, though he was far from caring judging by the cheeky way he walked in and seemed to own the place –he certainly owned Jason’s attention, he had to admit, as no one ever had done before. He moved like a model –and certainly looked like one to Jason– and there was no hesitation in his step. Nigel, though, didn’t let them introduce themselves to each other and had asked them in no uncertain terms to keep dancing, as he hadn’t had enough yet to make his decision of which five would be the final members of the band he had in mind.

Later, after it was over and Nigel left them on their own, Jason’s breathing suddenly started going a little faster when he noticed Howard coming towards him, undoubtedly looking for a conversation. Jason doubted for a second if he was going to be able to find his voice, though Howard’s hand, been offered for him to shake, didn’t give him any more time to think about it.

“Hi, I’m Howard” the boy introduced himself, in a much sweeter and simpler way Jason would have thought according to his previous cocky attitude.

“Jason” was all he could say, thunderstruck at Howard’s warmth.

“I know you” Howard explained with a smile.

“Do you?” Jason asked, totally shocked at the revelation, as he was sure he would remember this guy if they had ever met before.

“Yeah, you dance at the Apollo, right? I’ve seen you there a couple of times”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t remember having seen you” Jason answered too honestly before he could stop himself. Sometimes he really hated his big mouth, he thought, but then Howard just chuckled and everything was okay again.

“That’s because I don’t dance when you’re there. I wouldn’t want to make a fool of myself” Howard joked, but somehow Jason felt he was being more honest than he wanted to show. “You’re really talented”

“Thanks” Jason answered, really hoping the spreading warmth he was feeling on his cheeks didn’t mean he was blushing.

“I hope I’ll see you around, then” Howard said, once again offering his hand to Jason to say goodbye. “That would mean we’ve both made it into the band, right?”

“I hope so”

“Or if not, we’ll still have the Apollo” he warmly joked once again, before turning around and starting walking away, leaving Jason standing there, trying to get his breathing back to normal speed.

Eventually they both made it into the band, of course. And it would be the start of a long and complicated story between them.

**********  
The first time they realised there was something different between them than with any of the other boys had been at the shooting of their first video, Do what you like. Even if the video had been planned only to generate controversy and made them famous at whatever necessary price, the fact is they all had a good time filming it, as they were only supposed to play and fool around as they threw jelly and other similar things at one another.

The difference came when Gary, Mark and Robbie played nicely with it, throwing things at each other, laughing their asses out. Howard and Jason, though, were not that interested in throwing anything as they were about directly spreading it across the other’s body. And hug, and play, and hug again, their arms always around each other, incapable of stop touching a body they admired and liked so much.

When they had watched the video a couple of weeks later, both Jason and Howard had immediately realised how obvious it was, and how they were the only ones in the video to be so physical with each other. Or so they thought, because if anyone else noticed it, they surely didn’t say anything. So they both –separatedly– thought maybe they had overreacted and it was not that bad. But they would have to more careful next time or things could end up pretty complicated.

**********  
The first time they kissed was almost an accident. His second single, Promises, had entered the charts in number 38. They were going to make it! They were all in an unknown hotel, after doing one of those ridiculous performances all across the country Nigel always put them through.

When they were hanging out in one of their rooms, the radio switched on, they suddenly heard their own song, their own name, and it was so much that they all turned crazy of happiness: they started embracing each other, patting each other’s backs, jumping on the beds, screaming at the top of their lungs... And in a fit of enthusiasm, Howard had cupped Jason’s cheeks and had brought his face to him to join their lips in a quick kiss.

It was hard to tell who had been the most surprised at Howard’s actions, Jason or Howard himself. They had remained speechless and unmoving for a couple of seconds after that, trying to make some sense out of it, hoping against hope nobody had seen them. But then the bed on which Robbie had been crazily jumping gave up and, with a terrible noise, it broke down, sending him to the floor and the others into a fit of laughter. That’s why nobody had noticed the confusion in Jason’s eyes, the fear on Howard’s, the paleness of their skins... And that’s why they took advantage of the situation to swiftly move away from each other, and they never talked about it again.

Though they never forgot it.

**********  
The first time they properly kissed had been no accident at all. Howard had met Gary on a corridor, in an hotel they were staying while promoting their second album. Gary was coming from Jason’s room, and he told Howard about how Jason needed to be operated to have his tonsils removed, and how miserable he was feeling right then so he had politely asked him to leave him alone. Howard had felt immediately guilty about how he had taken the piss out of Jason whenever he complained about how poorly he was feeling, how he had played down the importance of it every time he claimed to have a fever, telling him how much of a whinger he was. How could he have ignored his suffering so much? He was supposed to be his best friend after all, wasn’t he? Some friend he was, he thought as he started walking resolutely to Jason’s room to ask him for forgiveness and to be there for him, ignoring Gary’s warning that Jason wanted to be left alone.

And Gary had not been lying: Jason looked terrible, lying there under the linens, his face the mask of misery, his cheeks slightly blushed from fever. If he looked close enough, Howard could even see the trace of a tear down Jason’s cheek, and that broke Howard’s heart like no word could have ever done.

“I’m sorry I was not there for you” he had apologised as he sat on the edge of the bed, Jason’s hand in his, as his other hand caressed the hair that fell on Jason’s fevered and sweaty brow.

“You couldn’t know” Jason, always forgiving Jason, had excused him immediately, even if Howard didn’t feel he deserved it.

He knew no word could ever describe what he felt right then, how he wanted to protect Jason, to make it all better for him, so he let actions speak for him and slowly he leant over, his hand gently cupping Jason’s neck, and let his own lips touch those of Jason for a second, two, three, until Jason gave him access to his mouth and their tongues met each other for the first time, the encounter sending shivers of pleasure across both their bodies, leaving them wanting for more even if they knew it was not the right time.

As the kiss broke, Howard took his trainers off and lifted the bed covers to lie down beside Jason, smiling in invitation for Jason to come to him. And Jason, feeling both miserable for his illness and ecstatic about what had just happened with Howard, had immediately turned on his side to curl around Howard and rest his head on his friend’s chest.

Even though he still needed to be operated and his head still felt fuzzy from fever, he thought just before falling asleep under Howard’s gentle stroking on the back of his head, suddenly he didn’t feel so poorly anymore.

**********  
The first time they made love it hadn’t been in any special occasion. That was what Jason had loved the most: they had not been drunk, or euphoric, or sad, or anything that justified it. It just had happened naturally, one normal night they were hanging out in Jason’s room after a whole day of rehearsing.

It was no strange for them to get together after a hard day’s work. It hadn’t been before, when they were just friends, so it was even less strange now. They could talk for hours, telling each other about their most inner secrets; they could joke and laugh like idiots until there were tears in their eyes; sometimes they just kissed, slowly, lovingly, making sure to put all their emotion in it. And that night they had done all of those things, until one thing led to another and suddenly there was no turning back.

They had slowly undressed each other, taking their time to admire each other’s body as if it was the first time they saw it. No word was exchanged as their chests collided, as their lips met, as tongues travelled around the other’s naked skin. They moved and moaned and sweated together, everything feeling new and familiar at the same time. And they fell asleep in each other’s arms, their night having been too perfect as for them to part so quickly.

They knew it was not that wise to let anyone know about them, though, at least not yet. So when dawn had started breaking, Howard had gently awaken Jason with a gentle brush of his knuckles on Jason’s cheek.

“Sorry I woke you, but I didn’t want to leave without saying anything” Howard whispered, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness of the room. “I didn’t want you to think I was escaping or something”

“I would never think that” Jason answered, his long fingers idly playing with the curls on the back of Howard’s neck.

“Just in case” Howard answered tenderly, and then he leant over to kiss Jason’s lips in a much gentler and slowly way than they had only a few hours earlier. “I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Can’t wait” Jason only half joked while Howard was already out of the bed and getting dressed, fully knowing Jason’s gaze was on him the whole time and feeling strangely proud about it.

No more words were exchanged –there was no need–, but Howard took a moment to turn his face around when he was already at the door to smile at his brand new lover, a smile Jason reciprocated instantly, his heart feeling about to explode, and then Howard was out of the door, his shoes on his hand trying to make no noise at all so he wouldn’t be discovered.

**********  
The first time that what they had between them had ever felt like a real relationship, was once that Nigel had been particularly nasty to Jason. It was nothing unusual, Nigel was always a mean person and seemed to have quite a fixation with Jason, but Howard had felt a real rage and had defended him in front of everyone, taking everybody –Jason included– by surprise.

Later that night, as they lied together in bed with their arms around each other, Howard had confessed he hadn’t even thought before talking, that defending him had come as an instinct, and that he couldn’t stand even the thought of someone being mean to him.

Jason had never felt more loved and protected that he did that night. And when he had told Howard that, the latter had only smiled at him, clearly moved by his words, and had planted a kiss on Jason’s nose in recognition that he would always love and protect him.

That night, without even talking about it, they had somehow accorded they were in a relationship. And it really felt good.

**********  
The first time Howard said ‘I love you’ they had needed the reassurance of having each other at a difficult time. Robbie had been gone from the band for a week, and the rest of the boys were having a tough time coming to terms with the fact there were only four of them from then on.

Everyone assumed Mark was having the hardest time, as he had been Robbie’s closest friend in the band. But Howard knew Jason was not doing well, either. He knew him inside out by then, and he could see him struggling under the surface as they fought against the clock to adapt for the four of them everything they had planned for five for the upcoming tour, only two weeks away. As Gary would say years later, Jason was too much of a team player for him to just let one of them go and be alright with it. Especially if he felt guilty for having been to put their decision into words, to which Howard had big suspicions about.

A week after Robbie left, Howard found Jason in a corner of the gym they used to rehearse, crying his heart out in solitude. He hadn’t even heard Howard approaching him and when the latter sat at the floor by his side and embraced him strongly, he had been startled at first, but had quickly curled in Howard’s chest, feeling the need of being comforted by the only person who always understood him and never judged him.

“We’ll get over this” Howard offered, fully knowing the cause of Jason’s distress without him saying.

“How? Everything’s changed now. We’ll never be the same again” Jason’s broken voice responded.

“No, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be different and still be alright, can we?”

“I can’t stand the sadness in Mark’s eyes, and to know I was the cause of his suffering”

“You were not. It was a common decision. You just were the only one with guts to talk”

“I practically sacked him”

“We all did. And he was looking for it, you know that. We did it for a reason”

“I... feel responsible for him” Jason had confessed in a whisper, and Howard could only squeeze him tighter.

“How is he your responsibility?”

“He’s so young and lost right now...”

“He was damaging Take That’s image and work, you know that”

“I know, and it felt like the right thing to do. But I never even thought about helping him, or trying to find out what was wrong with him. I just got rid of him, left him to his fate”

“Jay, we all did. None of this is your fault, at least no more than the rest of us”

“I hope we don’t have to regret this”

Howard understood. He didn’t share Jason’s regret, he was sure they had done what needed to be done. But he always understood. He tenderly dried Jason’s tears with his thumb and squeezed him strongly to his chest again, until Jason’s ear was very near Howard’s mouth, so he just needed to whisper those three words for him to hear them.

“I love you” Howard whispered, accompanying his words with a kiss to Jason’s forehead and making both their bodies rock together, soothing Jason and making his tears stop immediately.

Little did they know he wouldn’t get the chance to say them again.

**********  
The first time they had refused to say ‘goodbye’ was when Take That was suddenly no more. Only a year had passed since Robbie’s departure, and even if their last tour had been a major success and they were at their highest at the time, it was all becoming too much. All the blame fell on Gary, who apparently wanted to make his solo debut. But the truth was he was not the only one who couldn’t go on.

They had said their goodbyes at the airport, as they came back from their last apparition as a band, without much fussing. It almost seemed like they couldn’t wait to leave Take That and all it represented behind for good.

Of course it hadn’t been that easy with them. Jason had hugged Howard strongly, so strongly he almost cut the breathing out of him, and had brought his lips to Howard’s temple to place a kiss there and whisper in his ear, so no one would hear them.

“This is not a goodbye” he had promised, and Howard had fought bravely against tears threatening to fall down his face as he watched Jason’s back walking away from him for what it felt like the last time.

That’s when Howard had realised he had no agenda for the next few months, not even the next few days, no planned events in which he didn’t have anything to say about, as he had for the last six years. And Jason was not at his side to share the feeling. And for the first time since he had met Jason, until then his source of strength and normality, he felt completely lost. So lost he contemplated throwing himself into the river he was walking by just because it seemed like an easy decision, something that didn’t need to be scheduled. Throughout his whole life, he would wonder if he would have jumped that night if not for the text message he received in his beeper. I need you. Simple as that, but to Howard it had meant the difference between life and death. So he jumped on a taxi cab instead of the river and asked the driver to get him to Jason’s address.

**********  
The first time Jason told Howard ‘I love you’ it had been accompanied with an implicit ‘goodbye’ that had broken both their hearts, only a few months after the band’s split. Howard had to admit things had not been going as good as he would have liked, but he didn’t think they would come to such an abrupt end.

Howard had never understood why Jason needed that much space all of a sudden. As much as he tried, he didn’t understand how Jason, because the issues left in him by a difficult childhood and an abandoning parent, always needed to be in control of things, to feel like a normal person, to have his feet firmly in the ground. He had delegated that aspect of his life in Nigel for almost six years, a person who had not only use it as much as he had wanted but had taken advantage of it.

He was becoming almost paranoid to Howard’s eyes, always obsessed with not being recognized, with not being famous, with no being photographed. It was as if suddenly he wanted to erase everything about Take That, something which deeply infuriated Howard, who was very proud of everything they had achieved. And time after time he would reproach Jason for that. But then again, he had never understood about Jason’s issues.

Jason, on the other hand, had never understood how much Howard needed the reassurance that not everything had changed, that a small part of what they had while being in Take That still lived. And the more Howard tried, the more suffocated Jason felt and bigger was his need to flee. As much as he loved Howard, which was a lot, he couldn’t help but feel he still bound him up to everything Take That meant. And he knew he was going to hurt him deeply, sooner or later, if things kept going on like this. And that was the last thing Jason wanted.

So one day, unexpectedly, Howard had been summoned at Jason’s house to find a packed suitcase next to the door. When Jason had explained he needed some time and space, Howard had got angry at first; then he had begged for him to stay; and at last he had become speechless. Howard was surprised to find some tears in Jason’s eyes, as he had never seen him crying again since Robbie had left the band. And that was when he had realised nothing he’d say was going to change Jason’s mind.

Jason embraced him strongly, just as he had done at the airport several months before, only his words were not the same this time.

“I love you” he whispered, his voice breaking at the pain he was feeling and the pain he knew was causing to the person he loved the most in the world. He was close to change his mind and stay, if only for Howard’s sake, but he knew he couldn’t do it. After all, wasn’t he doing this for Howard as much as for himself, so they wouldn’t end up destroying each other?

He only looked back for a second, to watch Howard just standing there, lost and broken, and a sob escaped his throat before he was able to cross the threshold.

**********  
The first time Jason felt he had stopped loving Howard had been when he had finally made it back from his long year of travelling around the world. He had been away, true, but he had never completely disappeared, as he had made sure to give Howard a call every other day, send a card whenever he went, even some long letters even though he knew he was not going to get an answer because Howard would never knew how or where to reach him.  
When Jason appeared on Howard’s doorstep, tanned from the sun and with a beard that made him look older, it was Vicky who opened the door for him. Pregnant Vicky, living with Howard as if they were a married couple, about to be a family.

The surprise in Howard’s face when Vicky beckoned him over the door to ‘greet his friend’ was clearly shown in his eyes. As was the pain in Jason’s. Jason didn’t need any explanation to understand what was going on, and he didn’t even let Howard explain. He had had a million occasions to tell him after all, yet he had never done it.

Jason could comprehend Howard had needed a person at this side, and not someone travelling all around the world in search of himself. He understood that, he really did, and would have never blamed him for that. But he had let him believe that he would be waiting for him when he came back. Whenever they talked, Jason had felt Howard still loved him, was still wanting him to come back to him. He had never had the guts to tell him he would not be welcome again.  
And when Jason had finally found the courage to come back, it seemed Howard had not been losing his time at all. How could Jason compete with a family? He would never do that. So, once again, he had left Howard just standing there. Though this time he didn’t even turn to look at him again.

**********  
The first time Howard had felt he had stopped loving Jason had not come so long after that. Things with Vicky never worked out, not even having a daughter in common, because Howard had never stopped thinking about Jason. Vicky had known, had always known, and after breaking up with him she had tenderly urged him to give their love a chance, to go for it with Jason and find that happiness he had been deprived of until then.

Jason had run to him the minute Howard had called him to tell him he had broken up with Vicky. Jason wasn’t sure if it had been because of him, or it had just happened and then Howard had called him. But he didn’t care: being with Howard was all he had ever wanted, and he was not about to let the chance pass.

They still were trying to make things work out between them again when Howard had travelled to Germany to visit his daughter, where she lived now with her mother. They had not been separated yet in the few weeks they had been back together, so Howard made sure to call Jason every day to remind him how much he wanted that.

On one of those calls, Howard let slip he was staying at Vicky’s, something he had conveniently forgotten to mention until then. Jason had had to rival with Vicky for Howard’s love before, so he hadn’t felt very happy at that. Howard had felt it, and had tried to make light of the situation joking about how his pride would forbid him to be interested at her again after she had broken up with him. And that, far from making things better, had opened a wide breach between them that would always, always, remain.

Jason was devastated about the news that it had been Vicky the one to put an end to her relationship with Howard, and not the other way around, as he had always believed. Even if at first he hadn’t thought the order of events was that important, now that he knew the truth he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Because if Howard had looked for him after Vicky had ended things up with him, it meant he was just playing second fiddle. He was just a last resource, a consolation prize. And suddenly that thought hurt too much and he found he could not trust Howard to love him just as he did. Maybe he had hurt him too much when he left him to travel and this was his way of taking revenge. Or maybe he had taken the ability to love completely out of him, he didn’t know. The only thing he did know is he couldn’t be with Howard if it was not in a hundred per cent way. If Howard hadn’t had the courage to fight for him, he was not going to fight for both of them.

So while Howard was away on his trip, Jason packed the few things he had in Howard’s apartment and left, with the intention of never coming back. It seemed they were destined to never stop hurting each other, and they had suffered far enough. And if it was up to him to put an end to it, so be it.

When Howard came back, with a bunch of flowers for his lover to try and soften him up so he would listen to him, he was devastated to find Jason had disappeared again. Howard remembered their conversation, and only then he understood how deeply hurt he had been by the discovery that Howard had never broken up with Vicky to be with him on the first place. His eyes stung with tears he refused to let fall, as he felt Jason didn’t deserve them anymore. How could he not wait for him to explain? How could he just leave without a second thought?

Yes, Howard had been a coward. Both about not having the guts to break up with Vicky and about not telling Jason the truth before. But another thing Howard had never told him, and now Jason would probably never know, was that it had been Vicky who had ended up things with him, yes. But only when she had found out about where Howard’s heart really was. She had had the courage to do what Howard hadn’t, but that didn’t make it less true: Howard loved Jason with all his heart. Or had done, up until that moment, when all he had got from him was a fucking note and an empty apartment.

**********  
The first time they hadn’t even spoken to each other for years had been hell for both of them. As much as they both tried to convince themselves they didn’t love each other anymore, none of them were really able to believe it.  
Jason seemed to have disappeared from the face of the earth, and Howard often wondered if he would still be alive. He had to breath deep several times along the years, trying to calm his nerves, before he convinced himself that even if Take That had been completely forgotten by then, Jason was still a public figure and it would have made it to the tabloids for sure if that had really been his fate. That he was safe and sound. And hopefully happy, finally.  
How could have they hurt each other so much? Love was not supposed to be that difficult, was it? Maybe it had never been love, that thing between them, Howard wondered. Maybe just a fling, a strong infatuation caused only by their obvious physical attraction and the mutual admiration they felt for each other. After all, they had never been together for too long in a row, had they?

Howard could lie to almost everybody, and sometimes he was pretty good at it. After all, nobody knew how much pain there had always been in his heart after Take That, right? But he had never been able to lie to himself: that thing with Jason had been love; to try and deny it would just be stupid. Howard knew he had never felt with anyone else everything that Jason had made him feel. He had never felt his heart about to burst just from having another smile directed at him; a kiss had never felt so sweet; he had never laughed so wholeheartedly at his own joke just because the other person couldn’t stop giggling about it; the brush of anyone else’s skin on his had never aroused him so much.

Thinking about it, Howard was surprised to realise the physical part of their relationship was not what he missed the most –though he obviously did too. The thing he found the most difficult to live without was Jason’s laughter. His easy and sincere laughter that would fill a room without him even realising it. Even when they were still just friends, back at the early days of Take That, one of Howard’s main goals in life was to make Jason laugh, to reach that point with him when he couldn’t stop laughing and he would even have a difficult time just to breath. He had never known anyone who could laugh like Jason did.

And Howard could now see how Jason had never laughed like that again since his thing with Vicky. Not even when they had been back together those few weeks. He still smiled, though not as easily. And he didn’t laugh. Had Howard killed that aspect of him? Had he hurt him so much that had broken his most special trait?  
Suddenly Howard didn’t feel as angry at Jason anymore. Suddenly he could almost understand him, and suddenly he couldn’t almost breathe at the pressure on his chest. He missed him so much he only wanted to cry, because he knew Jason would never trust him again. And maybe he would never trust Jason again either.  
Little did he know Jason was missing him just as much at that same moment, just as he had been doing for years.

**********  
The first time they had met each other after all those years, it had been for the band meeting in which they would be recorded for the documentary that was being filmed about them, Take That for the record.

When they saw each other, both of them had to make an enormous effort so as not to show how affected they were at the reunion –even if Mark hadn’t arrived yet, Gary was standing just next to them. They had smiled politely at each other, make some embarrassed comment and even allow themselves the luxury of an embrace. Howard had put only one of his arms around Jason, like he usually did when hugging anyone, but he had never embraced Jason in less than a complete way before, so Jason guessed he was trying to keep the distance between them, even if he could see how his breathing had accelerated when their chests had collided. Jason, on the other hand, had made sure to embrace him fully and lovingly because, even if destiny didn’t seem to want them together, he could still dream he belonged with Howard, couldn’t he?

They talked and remembered with obvious nostalgia everything that had taken place while in Take That, and had sincerely laughed together with the other boys. For a moment, they were again the best friends they had been before everything had become so complicated. They were able to laugh at each other and at themselves as they shared embarrassing memories and common regrets about the most important time of their lives.

But apparently it all had been for the sake of the documentary. Or maybe it had been the climate the four of them had created for a while. But the second the last camera was turned off, Howard’s smile disappeared under an unemotional mask and the four of them quickly said their goodbyes, as they knew they would probably not see each other again for a long time.

**********  
The first time Jason had felt all the resentment still vivid in Howard, the latter happened to be completely drunk. He had been having a drink with Gary and Mark, and one of them had had the wonderful idea of suggesting a come-back tour. The others, intoxicated as they were, had immediately agreed amongst all the giggling and rambling, and Mark had called Jason and asked him to hurry and meet him in a bar. Poor Jason had thought it was something important, that Mark needed him somehow, and had made it there in record time.

His heart skipped a bit when he saw Howard was there, pissing himself with laughter about some silly joke Gary had just made. He was drunk, yeah. And terribly dishevelled. But he still looked beautiful. Damn it, he still got it, didn’t he? As the other three laughed and greeted him enthusiastically, Jason only felt like crying about all he had lost.

Mark hurriedly explained about the wonderful idea they’d just had, and the three of them looked expectantly at him, waiting for his opinion on the subject at hand.

“I don’t know...” Jason lamented, shaking his head in negation. After all, he was too sober to see the idea as anything more than what it really was: madness.

“Come on, it will be so much fun” Gary tried to convince him, but Jason, once again, shook his head.

“Let it be, boys” Howard intervened, with so much venom in his voice that Jason’s heart physically hurt at the difference from Howard’s usual tone when talking to him in the past. “He will just say ‘no’, as he always does. Or he will say ‘yes’ and then he’ll leave us in the lurch. Won’t you, Jay? Aren’t you that kind of a coward?”

It hurt, because he knew Howard was talking through the resentment he felt at him. But it also felt like a challenge. And the time where he would refuse a challenge from Howard was still to come.

“I haven’t said no. I just want to make sure I can trust you and you won’t replace me as soon as I’m not as you want me to be” Jason answered, surprised at his own resentment, which he had never known it existed.

“What are you talking about, Jay?” Mark intervened, too drunk to understand where this conversation was going.

“We’d never replace you”

“I know you wouldn’t, Mark” Jason reassured him while patting his leg, as he saw Howard move uncomfortably in his seat, too shocked about Jason’s response at his cruel words.

“Then you’ll do it?” Mark insisted.

“I’ll do it”

The fear of regretting his decision, of having to see Howard again everyday and having to take his punishment, suddenly felt too overwhelming, and he left them in the bar not too long after that to be able to get some fresh air.

**********  
The first time Jason thought he could have Howard back, even if only as a friend, had come after the Ultimate Tour, as they recorded their first album since their comeback. They had been able to put all the resentment behind them over the tour, and now Jason was happy to have him back in any way possible, so he was static to be able to call him his best friend again. He had never had a connection with anyone like the one he had with Howard.

Even when Jason had recorded Wooden boat and had listened it for the first time, and he hadn’t been able to stop the tears falling at all the insecurities bottled up inside of him for decades thanks to Nigel, Howard had been at his side, had embraced him for a long while as Jason tried to put his emotions in order, and Jason had needed to remind himself that yes, Howard still cared about him, but no, not in the way he would have liked. But it was still better than nothing, wasn’t it? So much better.

**********  
The first time Howard had really assumed Jason and he would never be back together was when he had regained Jason as a friend. Even if Jason seemed to be quite happy with it, to Howard it still felt like the final battle of the war they had been fighting for so many years. Because even when he had hated him, he still had loved him. And he had always kept a tiny hope they’d be back together again someday.

So when Howard had broken up with his second daughter’s mother, Marie, and Jason had made no move to indicate he still wanted something with Howard, the latter had been a little surprised and deeply hurt that Jason didn’t seem to love him anymore. More so, he had tried to comfort him as his friend and had assured him he would find love again. So Howard, never the one to be alone, had quickly begun another relationship with a gorgeous girl, Katie, hoping against hope he would eventually stop loving Jason if he kept trying.

Little did he know that when he had introduced Katie to Jason, Jason’s heart had broken even a little more, to the point where he doubted it would ever be whole again. But if shutting up and pretending was what Howard needed to be happy, then he would do it. He had been doing it for years already, after all.

**********  
The first time Jason hated Howard was the only time he had let his guard down in all that time. After the Beautiful World tour ended, Howard and Jason kept on contact every now and then, as they were both making a big effort to be the best of friends, something which satisfied and hurt them equally even if the other never knew about that.

With Katie at his side, Howard was able to keep his mind occupied, and he could even pretend he was happy. But when he was alone everything became so much harder, and the yearning to have Jason near was too overwhelming.  
That was what had happened that night. Katie was on a trip abroad, visiting some family, and Howard was feeling lonely and a bit too inebriated to think clearly, so he picked up his phoned and called Jason to ask him to come.

Needless to say Jason had gone immediately, worrying because of Howard’s voice that he may not be alright. And that was not too far from the truth, as they sat on the sofa and Howard spilled his heart out to him in tears: how hard it was to work side by side with him every day, how he had never stopped loving him, how much he missed him, how he felt as if he was going to die if he didn’t get to kiss him again. Jason had listened to him, too overwhelmed by it all to say anything intelligent, but he didn’t need to worry about that: to prove his point, Howard had thrown himself at him, trapping him between the sofa and his own body, and had captured his lips in a painful kiss until Jason recognised the taste of Howard’s lips mixed with alcohol. Alcohol, Jason reminded himself as he tried to push Howard away from him. Even if Howard had drunk the amount enough so as to let himself go without not being able to have control of himself, Jason didn’t want to go back to him under those circumstances. But Howard had refused to liberate Jason of his grasp, and had started planting butterfly kisses all over his face and neck, until his kisses had mingled with soothing words and Jason seemed to hear ‘I love you’ in between them, so all his defences fell down immediately. He had roughly grabbed the back of Howard’s head to bring it to his again and had captured his lips with raw passion, almost forgetting to breath, as a tear fell unnoticed down his cheek.

Sex hadn’t felt exactly as it used to, as now a deep desperation and a well-hidden pain guided their movements as they moved to the bedroom. Howard’s hands travelled around the entire length of Jason’s body, trying to find in it something that looked familiar, trying to feel the same overwhelming desire he had felt back then. Jason, on the other hand, had kissed and licked every inch of Howard’s skin, trying to find a different taste in a body he knew so well, something that made him feel something new and good was going to come out of this slip.

What didn’t change at all, though, was the way they fell asleep, curled around each other, their bodies a mess of limbs modestly covered by a thin blanket. And another thing that didn’t change was that Jason was the first one to awake, and he could take the pleasure of awakening his lover with gentle kisses to his face.

When Howard finally opened his eyes, he found Jason’s face impossibly close, lying next to his in the same pillow, facing him.

“Morning” Jason said with a smile, moving his head even closer to Howard’s to kiss his lips, though he was surprised that, even though he didn’t move away from him, Howard didn’t reciprocate the kiss. “What’s wrong?”

“What are you doing?” Howard asked, in a much different attitude than the night before.

“I was just kissing you good morning” Jason answered in confusion.

“I know that. I mean... why are you acting all couply all of a sudden?”

“I wasn’t... I don’t know why I did, it was just a kiss. After what happened last night...”

“Exactly. That was last night and this is now. You should get going” Howard suggested, with no emotion in his voice.

“What? Are you serious?” Jason couldn’t believe his ears, and he lifted the upper part of his body to rest it on his elbows.

“I think it’s for the best. We don’t want to fall into past mistakes, do we?”

“Isn’t it a little late for that?” Jason asked, infuriated.

“Why are you getting angry?” Howard replied.

“Because it was you who searched for me last night and now you’re acting like you’re regretting it!”

“I’m not. I just don’t want any misunderstandings”

“That’s what I am, now?” Jason asked, deeply hurt.

“Look, we never said this was anything more than sex, did we?” Howard tried to convince himself as much as Jason.

“No, the hell we didn’t” Jason hissed with anger, as he jumped out from the bed and started picking up his clothes, that had been scattered all around the room.

“Why are you acting like that? I don’t get it! I didn’t think you’d get it all wrong”

“That’s your problem. You never think. You never calibrate the consequences of your actions, do you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Forget it. It was stupid of me to think you had changed”

“Jay” Howard’s voice softened suddenly, as he kneeled up on the bed and grabbed Jason’s hand to keep him from fleeing. “I’m not trying to hurt you. It’s just... better this way. You know it would never work between us, it never has. I don’t want to go through that again. How many times have we tried before?”

“It worked for a while, you know? When both of us were standing in the same place. It seems we haven’t been able to meet again ever since though, have we?”

“I’m sorry, Jay”

“You said you loved me”

“I was... just carried away by the moment”

Jason’s only response was a humourless chuckle as he let go of Howard’s hand and started dressing.

“You know I’m with Katie now” Howard continued, begging for Jason to understand.

“And weren’t you last night, while you fucked me in this very same bed?” Jason reproached him sadly, all the fight in him buried under a pile of sorrow.

“Jay, don’t be like that” Howard pleaded.

“Now it’s Katie, before there was Marie, and even before that it was Vicky. I wonder when it’ll be my turn”

“You had your turn!” Howard yelled at him, suddenly angry that Jason seemed to have forgotten his part on the blame. “You had it and you screwed it up because you were not sure! What was I supposed to do, spend my whole life waiting for you?”

“You just needed to be honest with me, which you’ve never been, so I would have been able to trust you”

“I’ve always been honest about what I feel about you, it’s just...”

“Don’t. Just... don’t, okay?” Jason pleaded, and Howard reluctantly let go of him, suddenly feeling sad and empty at having to watch the pain in Jason’s eyes. “We can’t let that happen ever again. We’ll have to stop hurting each other some time, won’t we?”

And with that, he was gone. Once again.

**********  
The first time Jason had admitted the hell in which he had been living for nearly a decade now it had been under Gary’s pressure to talk. Jason had called him to tell him he was leaving Take That, that the Beautiful World tour had been great but he didn’t feel ready for a new album and tour, that to try and pretend he could go back to having his life swept away from him had been a mistake. Obviously Gary had not accepted his excuses and had hurried to his apartment, not really thinking about the future of the band but in Jason’s welfare.

Gary had insisted in how much Jason had changed from the first time around, how he had become much more serious, sometimes even elusive, always keeping at a certain distance of everyone around him. And he demanded to know why, under the thread he was not leaving until he knew.

That’s when Jason had broken down, bursting out in tears, surprising Gary with the intensity of his emotion. As Gary put his arm around him in a friendly intent of comfort, Jason confessed his love for Howard, their difficult relationship, all their frustrated attempts at being together and their inability to stop hurting each other. And how he couldn’t keep going on like this or things would end up very very bad.

Gary couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Of course he had been witness of the closeness between his two friends on the early days. He had even suspected there was something more than what met the eye a couple of times. But then Take That had split up and he had thought their friendship, as everyone else’s, had pretty much ended there. And Howard had always been in one or another relationship ever since, hadn’t he? Even Jason had had his own affairs.

He should have suspected something when Howard had made those comments about him the night they had got drunk and decided to come back together. But Gary himself was much too intoxicated to give it much though. And then Jason and Howard had slowly regained that friendly banter, that easy relationship they had always enjoyed. Though, now that he thought of it, it was true they had struggled for a long time until they had reached that point, much more than anyone else.

But if it was true, how much had they had to suffer for so many years? And how they had managed not to let everyone know, to work together as if nothing happened, to put everything behind them so at least they could be friends? If Gary hadn’t admired them enough before, he surely did now.

Gary had patiently held Jason until the latter’s sobs stopped, completely spent and broken, already blaming himself for being so weak so as to have explained everything to Gary and exposed himself so much. But Gary didn’t think less of him because of that; if anything, he felt sorry for him and would give anything to make it all better for him.

At the end, the only thing he could do was to convince him not to leave the band. If his love life was a ruin, at least he deserved to have a successful career, didn’t he? And who knew, maybe Howard would come to his senses some time and they would both get what they had always wanted.

Gary prayed for a long time he had not make his greatest mistake in convincing Jason to give it a last try.

**********  
The first time Howard’s mind stopped getting between Howard and his heart, it was the last time Howard would watch Jason walk away from him.

It had happened at the last night of The Circus tour. It had been their most successful and special tour for them by far, even if Jason had needed a long time to forgive him again. And Howard doubted he had really done it completely, as only a few nights ago, as the four of them had dinner together, he had announced that would be his last tour.

When Mark had asked why –Gary, surprisingly enough, hadn’t–, Jason had made a lot of excuses: how tired he was, how he didn’t feel comfortable with his contribution to the band anymore, how he needed to regain his anonymity again. But Howard had not been fooled: Jason couldn’t simply stand to be near him anymore. It pained him too much. Not after Howard had humiliated him like that, after he had raised his hopes only to crush them just a few hours later. Again.

And Howard didn’t blame him. After all the pain they had caused each other, suddenly Howard could not blame Jason for any of it anymore. The only thing he wanted was to embrace him and make the pain go away for him and make him as happy as he deserved. But he knew he would never be given the chance again.

That’s why when their last concert was coming to an end, and they started singing Rule the world, the song that would close the tour forever, all Howard could think of was how when that song ended, in just a few minutes, he would probably see the last of Jason. Forever. He would walk away from him for the last time and never again would he be able to see his beautiful smile, to hear his warm voice, to taste his sweet lips. Never again would it be Jason and Howard. From then on, they would only be two strangers. Suddenly it was all too much and Howard’s eyes filled with tears that mingled with the sweat on his face. His heart was breaking and he could do nothing to stop it.

And Jason, always sensitive to Howard’s needs in spite of everything, noticed the tears in Howard’s face and his broken voice as he tried to keep up with the song for the last time on that tour, even from the other side of the stage. And even if it had been their greatest and most beautiful tour of all, Jason well knew Howard was not crying for that. Howard was crying for the same reason he had such a big knot on his own throat: that night would be the last they saw each other. It seemed too unreal to be true.

Jason, not far from tears himself, decided to stop thinking for a moment and just do what his instincts asked him: go and comfort his friend. For if there was something Jason would never be able to see and do nothing about, it was Howard’s pain. So he left his position on one side of the stage and confidently walked to the center of it, never taking his eyes off Howard for a second.

Howard saw him only a couple of seconds later, walking towards him, and he immediately knew he was coming to him to comfort him. Because he cared about him. Because in spite of everything that had come between them and how much they had hurt each other, Jason still loved him. And that thought warmed his heart in a way he had never thought possible, so he started walking towards him, as confidently as Jason, and met him halfway.

Howard fell into Jason’s arms, softly sobbing in pain and hope, and the tender shushing sound Jason made in his ear, comforting, and the security it gave him that Jason still loved him, gave him the courage to do what he hadn’t been able to do for years.

“I will not say goodbye to you tonight” he whispered in Jason’s ear, and the latter was able to hear it even over all the music, the shouts from their fans and the fireworks decorating the sky above them.

“I won’t ever say goodbye to you again, if that’s you want” Jason had answered, equally soft, equally brave, and he closed his eyes in bliss as he felt Howard’s lips on his temple, in a gentle kiss that promised so much more before Jason broke the embrace and moved away from Howard to his side of the stage with a smile to continue with the concert. And that had been the last time Howard would ever see him walking away from him.

Maybe all hope had not been lost yet. Maybe they had finally met each other in the same place again.

And that was the first time they both realised they had never, and would never, stopped loving each other.


End file.
